If we went to the Gap with $100, let’s just say we’d be treating ourselves to a really nice lunch. Or, you know, paying [half of] our student loan[s].

Now: We love the Gap. We actually worked at this specific Gap, above (at least, before it moved from the mall to the other shopping center) while in high school, and we genuinely credit it with giving us the confidence to ask anyone we pass on the street if they would like to add some matching socks to their purchase. Seriously: When we volunteered on a political campaign, we were so inured to people being mean to us that we didn’t even mind doing the door-to-door stuff.

In other words: We want the Gap to do well. We are not quite so sure that it is. Here’s what we found.

This, we don’t mind saying, is an exceptionally awkward-wearing cardigan. Also, and equally problematically, it was slightly taller than we are. Striped shawl cardigan, $59.50. Return.

There is just nothing special about this t-shirt, except that it is (a) too sheer and (b) too long. So it is sort of special in the ways that it vexed us. We’re actually not entirely sure which t-shirt this is, though it is definitely $19.50. Return.

We liked this sweater enough that we made it a recent selection of the day, and it was for sure one of our top picks, especially as we love the mustard color. But we wish they would have just gone one step further for a more dramatic neck. Boyfriend sweater, $44.50. Return.

Honestly we really wanted to like this but we basically fell asleep while putting it on. Shirred cami, $29.50. God, everything’s getting returned.

Ditto. And for anyone of our height, the length is a disaster-land. Button-detail long-sleeve shirt, $19.50. Returned….

We actually had really high hopes for this—we love the twisted-neck, and the shape looked vaguely like it belonged in the Euro Gap collection. But. It was that terrible, really-truly-too-short to wear as a dress, and utterly unsatisfying as a top. Twisted-neck top, $54.50. And returned.

There’s a quite of lot of styling-fail here, but we actually really liked these jeans, even if we found the name (“sexy boot”) icky. The problem is that the last thing we need is another pair of jeans, so we must refuse. Sexy boot jeans, $59.50. (These were on sale for $35 in store.) There will be no keeping today, apparently.

We loved this jacket. But at $69.50, it’s too much, especially when there’s one as cute, and cheaper, at Old Navy. Washed denim jacket, $69.50. Return, if slightly hesitantly.

Finally: This sweater, while also too long, was our favorite thing we tried on. What is it, with all the super-sized tops? It’s like 1989 all over again, and we do not like it. Oversized sweater, $44.50. Return here, too.

We saw these on our way out the door, and we loved the colors, and we thought: Why do we do anything at the Gap but buy tank tops? Stick with the tank tops, and everybody wins. Otherwise, we’re not coming back. Ribbed tanks, $14.50

Apparently, what we’d buy if someone gave us $100 to go to the Gap is zilch. Unless we absolutely had to spend the money, in which case we’d buy the jean jacket, and tank tops until our money ran out.