We went to one of the big department stores yesterday , which was appropriately tricked out with loads of sale items. Everything, everywhere, on sale, except for things we’d actually like to buy, like a Mulberry bag or non-ugly piece of clothing. Then we found the beauty department, and a reasonably half-price Ole Henriksen Spa Body Kit. But it was missing one of the bottles, so we went to our nearest store representative and asked if they had another one. “We don’t handle that,” she said. And then she gave us a dirty flyer with lipstick prints on it (like, actual lipstick, like someone used it to blot) about some product line we had no interest in. Long story short: We hate the sales, and sometimes amenable monkeys, paid, perhaps, with bananas and peanut butter, would be better at customer service than bitter, tired human beings.
We are doing all of our sale shopping online. We are starting with Scoop. They arrange their sale stuff by category, so here are our picks for each:
Handbags: This Marc Jacobs Kate bag is fall 04 but seriously, we don’t want to hang with anybody who’d make fun of a fall 04 bag, because that would mean they were lame assholes. Also available in black, turquoise, and a purple.
Jackets: There’s something super L Word about this DVF velvet jacket, but like 2(x)ist underwear for men, that’s no reason people of all sexual orientations shouldn’t enjoy it. Did we mention we have a cold? Maybe that’s why that sentence is so fucked up. $465 marked down to $249
Sexy Tops: This is the most ultra-basic item that could qualify as a “Sexy Top.” It’s the kind of shirt we’ll forget at our dry cleaner’s because it’s not so spectacular, but then we’d be so sad that we didn’t have it anymore. Sometimes we just don’t appreciate lovely, subtle things, like this Velvet top. $75 to $39, also in black and rose
Dresses: We didn’t think any of Scoop’s dresses were particularly spectacular, but we kind of liked this 12th Street by Cynthia Vincent sequin dress. That is all. $248 to $139
Sweaters: Also by 12th Street, this oversized … they’re calling it a “Sweater Vest,” though we don’t really know where the vest part comes into it. And the fabric is part cashmere, part metallic (what, spoons? Don’t get that either.) But with a little tank top it’d be excellent and summer-night appropriate. $275 to $159
We have no idea what is wrong with us, but we’ve lately been seized by this obsession with Marimekko, that Finnish design company with those ubiquitous flower prints (see below). We’re thinking we might even want to buy one of these limited edition Marjat-print totes for $62 (above). Or a $35 Unikko clutch, below. It’s like we’re drunk on the early ’90s. We know how this is going to end: puking on ourselves at the nearest Laura Ashley boutique. God help us.
Three facts uncovered from our leisurely reading of the July Elle:
1: Elle is an excellent magazine and Holly Millea is a brilliant writer
2: Lindsay Lohan has three dogs, named Chloe, Polo, and Gucci. Those poor fucking dogs.
3: With the teased hair and 0% body fat, the cover shot looks like it’s taken from that nauseating Steve Madden anorexic-shoe-lover campaign
Final judgment: Buy Elle. Read Holly Millea. Give dogs healthy names like Rex, Fido, and Mr. Mouse, not Burberry, Lanvin, or Paris. Steve Madden’s new ads are funny, not pathetic.
Er, we seriously did not intend for that to become a three-day weekend. Before we get back up to speed — with regular coverage interrupted by a sudden and spectacular ant infestation, caused no doubt by those yuppies next door and their brownstone renovation — we would like to announce that: Elizabeth Hurley is going to host the British Project Runway, except it will be called Project Catwalk and star Hurley instead of Heidi Klum. We wish we had snarky things to say about her, but the fact is she is so goddamn boring we can’t think of anything. Dated Hugh Grant? Bleh. Had a baby with Steve Bing? Derr. Marrying some Indian tycoon? For the love of God, we cannot make ourselves give a shit. Why is this woman in magazines?
We’re too old for proms. Maybe when we have children, in 1000 years, we will see them off to the prom and dress up as prom-gear to, you know, get in the spirit. We have, however, been hearing about adult-only hipster proms in Williamsburg and Los Feliz, and if we were invited to one of those (or if we are scary mom-type in prom dress) we would absolutely, positively wear Jessica Ciarla, our new (as noted) favorite fashion designer. In fact, they’re really not so much prom as mod, and we have always wanted to be a mod ’60s London girl and date Mick Jagger, but only 1968-vintage Mick Jagger, when he was hot.
Once, no kidding, we went to an auction at Sotheby’s, where a friend of ours, a TV producer, was taping an episode of The Apprentice. It was black tie. Nobody told us. We wore jeans. But we had on the nicest vintage coat, that cost us $50, and all these rich people said nice things about it. So we felt like a big winner, that night, but a really poor big winner. If we had money, we would have worn Ciarla’s Tuxedo Ballgown, above, $650. And then we wouldn’t have felt all poor and Brooklyn-y and v. Eliza Doolittle-ish. Because they went home and ate lobster and foie gras on their waterbeds. We went home and ate Stouffer’s Turkey Tetrazzini on the floor of our apartment.
Same silhouette, so mod. And even though it looks like a cut-up of a gray sweatsuit it’s actually Italian wool with pink silk trim. And how nice, that neckline. Very Audrey Hepburn in 2005 colors. Mini Dress, $395
And finally, the tulle wonder. V Carrie Bradshaw, but it’d still be fun to wear. Just the skirt, $275
We hate our bathroom: It’s small and slippery, and once stepping out of it we slipped all the way into our living room in this spectacular freefall, the closest we’ve ever come to suffering some type of completely ignoble Bridget Jones-type Singleton death, where dogs nibble at your body. So we shower at yoga, where it is non-slippery, and, crucially, they have free dispensers of fancy shower gel. So we were in the shower after yoga today — the worst yoga class ever, one of those retarded ones where they make you basically cuddle with a stranger — and we are literally in the shower when we realize there is no soap, as there usually is. So we went to the other shower stall, where there was a soap dispenser, and we’re wiggling it out of the wall holder when some naked ridiculous girl says, “Don’t do that. They’re going to fix it. Just pump out some soap and take it back with you.” Nevermind that this naked interloper wanted us to walk 15 feet across a room with a puddle of shower gel in our palm — she is scolding us, naked, this shower stall disciplinarian. Readers, we have never wanted to gouge someone’s eyes out as badly as we did that moment. Because if you’re going to scold us, wait til we have some goddamn clothes on.
Page Six reports this morning that Hermes has offered our Oprah a rather unenthusiastic apology, blaming the staff’s boutique-barring on “a PR event being set up inside.” Quandary: Does this mean we should buy more, or less, counterfeit Hermes?
This would be one of those presents we buy but do not give. Like this nice box of Fresh stuff, which we bought for our friend’s wedding shower three years and tragically, pathetically, have failed to actually give to her. Why do people invite us anywhere? But: Wouldn’t it be nice to have people over for cookies, and then show them this tremendous bunny cookie jar? Even better, they’re limited edition, so it’s not like they’re going to show up at Crate and Barrel or anything. And they’re designed by an actual artist, Momoyo Torimitsu, who’s revamped her bunny art (below) into cookie-jar form. Er, not much of a stretch there, really. $100 from Cereal Art
Now that summer is officially here — yay yay yay yay — we are willing to move on from the spring trends we hate. Like: Wedges. They’re everywhere, like rats and ticks. They’re a summer plague. We know this is a reversal from our earlier position, but the more we see them, the more we realize that they look ridiculous. They’re a walking billboard. They say, “I read that wedges are v trendy, and I have enough money to spend on them.” It’s like buying a fashion pass. We hate them. We won’t be fooled. They make us feel like Esprit made us feel when we were in seventh grade, like if you wore an Esprit shirt, the popular girls would be nice to you. Which was, really, true. Wedges are the adult equivalent of middle-school torture devices.
How did we start talking about wedges? Oversized beads, right. We’re so tired of them, especially the retardly priced version from Saks with kukui nut beads. Buying them from Saks is like saysing “I read that oversized beads are v trendy, and I have so much money I’m going to give a shitload of money for something that costs $7 and in many places in the world literally fall from the trees.”
So for our summer jewelry, we’re thinking v crafty, v light, v delicate. No heavy beads, no retarded Saks bill. Better, right?
Sarah McGuire’s jewelry is the aesthetic opposite of oversized beads. It’s like walking out of a Jessica Simpson concert and into … oh, we don’t know, maybe the new Aimee Mann album, or Rilo Kiley. Spare and elegant and a little bit cutting. Metaphors … love them. The $138 “braille choker” is the “layering piece” (as p45.com describes it) we’ve always wanted and tried to approximate with hideous substitutes from Abercrombie and Fitch. We also like the simple silver earrings ($88).
This was omitted from our column on White Trash Charms, but it was our favorite! So we wanted to bring it back. “Afro Mudflap Girl,” from %75 – $337.50.
These are from Tatty Devine‘s Alpine collection. The pictures are lousy, but we would love to have a wood goat brooch ($40), or a cuckoo clock ($63). Very Swiss, alpine meadow and all that, and believe us, we could use a little alpine meadow in our lives right now.
Stuart England’s 18K gold necklaces, we think, are the 21st century spin on that Carrie nameplate worn throughout Sex and the City: These, like the ’00s versus the ’90s, are a little more modern, a little rawer, a little more honest. (Mmm …. metaphors.) They’re also extremely freaking expensive: Choose your initial (or the heart) and make $658 worth of room on your credit card.
We’ve already written of our love for Bing Bang. This would be so nice with any summer dress. No more to add. Are you listening to woxy.com?
Handmade in Austin. We love Austin. We used to get our hair cut there at Pink on South Congress, which turned into a huge disaster since we live in New York City and only went through Austin once a year, when we were driving to LA. We highly recommend Pink. If you need a haircut in Austin, call them at (512) 447-2888. Farrah’s the one you want. What were we saying about Austin? Ah, Kristin Laing, jewelry designer. Apparently very Japan-influenced. We like this “Aster Necklace,” $55.
We finish up with this locket necklace from Servane Gaxotte from Mint. We actually like her charm bracelets even more, but we’re saving them for next week. That locket works — perfect for hiding tiny keys, or pepper.
Two for one: Traditionally, we’re suspicious of two for one, because it usually means two for crap. Our favorite exception is two-for-one Diet Cokes: Now that is a deal we never pass up. So it is with our usual skepticism that we approached this mini-trend of “convertible” dressing: Should a skirt not just be a skirt?
However, we found ourselves enraptured, as usual, by the endless loop of videotape demonstrating the winding and rewinding of American Apparel’s Sheer Jersey Scarf ($15). Scarf, wrap, skirt, tube top: This scarf can do it all. Plus, you can see the video online once you get home and realize you can’t twist your Sheer Jersey Scarf into anything but a Sheer Jersey Scarf. Plus plus, the video has the same homemade-porn aesthetic that’s made AA such an international appareal player. It’s like a four-for-one.
Sweetees’ cotton is so nice: so thin you’ll inevitably get tiny holes in it after owning it for two or three weeks, days, whatever, but soft as satin, holes or no holes. With their Emily dress ($74 from Label LA), you can choose between double-layer tube top\dress or tube dress with ruched waistband. We’re as suspicious of waistbands as we are of two-for-one deals: It’s like saying, “Look at my goddamn, doughnut-filled stomach!” But with such thin fabric, maybe it won’t be so obvious.
Finally, the convertible dress from Butter by Nadia, at Girlshop for $230. Nadia is apparently an ex-dancer (we read this online, so who the fuck knows if that’s true or not) so expect fluid, dancer-y things, likely very appropriate for wearing with our La Voleuse ballet shoes.
