Seriously, if we read, or hear, or see illuminated, the words “Prada wedges” one more time, we’re going to puke. It’s like “moral majority” or “red states” or “blue states” or “Jessica Sierra’s shocking exit” — we know they’re everywhere, we can’t do anything about it, so could we just talk about something else for five seconds?
No doubt, those Prada wedges are gorgeous. But thye’re hardly the only nice wedge out there for the season. We’re resolutely pro-wedge, being reduced of height and deft of balance. Just not the wedges-masquerading-as-platforms: They’re all the height but none of the slope, so it’s like you’re wearing flats three inches above the street. Not the point. And a big nada to anything making use of fat, ugly straps (see way below.) None of that, please.
Those Kate Spades above are very Ice Storm \ Desperate Housewives chic. Like what you’d wear to seduce the pool guy when you are 45, rich, bored, and sure your husband’s smooching the nanny. Or, you know, any age and involved in a relatively un-ridiculous metaphor, like a wedding or garden party. $325
Still love these Marc by Marc Jacobs even if the rainbow’s about as subtle as a Gay Pride Day parade float. $195
This is such a nicer option from MJ, but we’re going to leave both up in case some of our friends out there like the bolder colors. By the way, this one’s about twice the price. Why is subtlety so freaking expensive? $380
These DSquared wedges are so unbelievably perfect for the Pebbles Flintsone Halloween costume we’ve thus far been unable to get off the ground. Unbelievably perfect! $852.95
Ultra-strappy gold sandal meets wedge, from BCBG. We’d wear them to … actually, we can’t finish that sentence, but they sure are gold! We’re sort of more fascinated by their strappy goldness than putting them on to go to the movies. $157.95
These are so crazily over the top — how could we not love these Pucci wedges? These are what we’d wear to a yacht party “on the Med.” Maybe we’ll fill all these out with fictional parties we’ll never attend. $600
This “Hawaii Glamour Wedge” from Dior is the wedge we’d wear if we were a cast member in the cruise ship tour show of South Pacific, the musical. $515
This is the wedge we’d wear if we were Chavs and invited to the christening for the little baby Beckham. Burberry, $245
As much as we may hate to admit it, these Ronsons are pretty cute. We’d wear these to the Juicy Couture-hosted body-tequila-shot pool party sponsored by some shitty tequila maker. We’d see Tara Reid and she’d say “nice shoes” before passing out on her lounge chair. $154
And our true wedge — or really, any sandal — #1 hate: fat straps. Who do these look good on? This is what we’d wear in our nightmares, stuck in some endless loop of eighth grade. Shudder! Donna Karan, $405.95(!)
But to end on a lovely note, a slightly craftier version than the Prada original from Miu Miu, appropriately. These we’d wear everyday, everywhere, or at least from the pool to the garden to the air-conditioned bedroom, in our hacienda palace in Mexico, high above the ocean. Surely that day will come, no? Oh, how we’d like that day to come. $330
