We haven’t always loved handbags. Instead of handbags, we would put all of our things into our pockets, or, even better, plastic grocery store bags. This is true. How many times did we go into our office with a Borders bag containing our wallet, hat, mitten (singular), about-to-disappear Metrocard, WWII history book we will never finish, and a half-eaten banana? Many, many times.
This, however, is only because we did not, previously, have access to Jocasi bags. We love them because they are in nice shapes, aren’t too small (the better to accommodate various fruits and Diet Cokes and ice cream bars and things), come in nice colors, and are made of the softest, nicest leathers, like they have been marinading the cows in sorbet. Oh, that’s gross. But still. They are really soft. But they are not lame: They are — we regret saying this, almost — a little rock ‘n’ roll. It’s true, though. Not in an annoying way. In a way that says, “I could be one of those girls who dances on top of the car in Warrant videos if I wanted to, but I’m so much more content with my career as an astronaut.” Even better, they have a special eBay outlet where we Americans — or, indeed, anyone without access to Top Shop — can purchase them, or just go back to blaec for their inventory.
Above, the Jocasi Studded Doctor Bag, $167, at Blaec.
We were looking around for an online copy of the new Vogue, starring Drew Barrymore as the “Shape Issue” cover girl. This must be fashion’s most backhanded cover compliment. It’s seriously, like, the “Former Fatties” issue and there’s always like two shots of Oprah, a few of a celebutante who took her time dropping baby fat … and none of them much more than a size 10, in any case.
And sure, Drew Barrymore’s made a cottage industry out of her adore-ability, but this Annie Leibovitz cover? Meh. You know she’s at the shoot, thinking, Is this pose ethereal or constipated? Ethereal or constipated? And maybe there’s this little interior commentary like, ooh, that lion’s so big and scary, and I’m bewitched by his prowess but still sultry, and I am the heroine in unpublished Ernest Hemingway novel, Lady of the Lions. Sorry, but that raised eyebrow is all, I just pooped.
But looking around the cover image we found discussion boards proclaiming Drew’s etherealness and general non-indigestion-problem-face. This is brainwashing, people. Bah.
1. They’re fascists. Once, we had a friend who worked at a major newspaper. This friend, whom we will call M., was aware of the fact that BS was a huge fan of What Not To Wear —a huge, slobbering fan of several TV shows that she should not (Crossing Jordan, anyone?) but she dreamt of appearing on this one. Mostly she wanted the cash for the new clothes and also to be Susannah and Trinny’s comic-relief figure, so as to procure own eponymous television adventure program.
So anyway, M. gives us a call and says her newspaper is doing a story on the Bs, and would she be interested in getting a make-over? Hells yeah, naturally. The fate of the cash was left undiscussed, but BS showed up at Bloomingdales in the most basic-y basics things she has: a striped cap-sleeve polo top, a denim skirt from Calvin Klein, and black flip-flops. All the the better to be showered upon with Marc Jacobs, we’re thinking.
The Bs show up fifteen minutes late, wheezing from the strain of doing other publicity appearances. Immediately they set to work upon BS’s thighs. “You’re thick through here,” one of them says. The other one pats us right above the knees. “This,” she says, “is your problem area.” “We don’t think you should wear skirts,” they say. BS plagued with flashbacks to tormented middle school career, when would waddle through hallways wearing red clown pants.
2. They’re un-American. Not “un-American” in the stupid way, like they don’t know what’s happening on The O.C., but we have always thought that one of the best, like, national states of mind we have is that we don’t give up, and we never surrender. (Is that from Rocky? Footloose? Churchill?) Churchill or not, the Bs are about giving up. Wouldn’t it be nicer to hear: “Start running every day and you’ll be back in mini-skirts in no time!” than “Slacks for you, pudding-ass”? Shame about that empire, you un-American giving-up bitches.
3. They have one sense of style. Print dress over brown trousers. This is how they dressed us, and this is exactly how one of the Bs was dressed. Ridiculous Mini Me element going on here.
4. Their whole philosophy is totally weird. Totally hiding-flaws-centric. Okay, sure, maybe we (Americans, we mean. Have no idea how this because nationalist rant) take it too far (ergo, La Swan) but anybody can be healthy and fit. If they’re still short-waisted, okay, fine, but telling some pudding-assed hamster she can never wear skirts again seems severe and self-defeating.
5. They make their money being mean to other women. Once the reporter left, one of the Bs leans over and says, “You know, you’re actually quite pretty.” Whether this was a palliative so as to avoid murderous Bloomingdales rampage or equally possible weeping Bloomingdales sob is unknown. What is known is that their schtick is being bitches, and they’re sticking to it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The print dress and brown trousers combo: now that’s offensive.
6. We didn’t get any money for the clothes. If we had, this column would probably have been titled “Why We Fucking Love These Awesome Gals.”
>begin springsteen< Cause we made a promise we swore we’d always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
>end springsteen<
This picture of Audrey Hepburn was the most graceful, elegant, beautiful image we could find online.
Think of it as a sleaze antidote as you listen to these spectacular voicemail messages, which might have been left for some woman by Hollywood shill and celebrity ass-licker Pat O’Brien, according to screenhead.com. Look about halfway down the column or just search for “O’Brien.”
We’ve always found him extremely aggravating. Now we know it’s because he’s totally, totally icky. Allegedly.
We used to think of luggage like we thought of electric toothbrushes: unnecessary lifestyle indulgences. Was a regular toothbrush insufficient? We were, we must admit, our father’s worst nightmare, dragging our belongings through LaGuardia in a Nike gym bag, sprinkling little bits of Bunnyshop-ness (forgotten magazines, bits of candy, disappearing credit cards) behind us like so many breadcrumbs. Because we just didn’t want to spend any money on luggage. There were so many more important things to buy, like magazines and candy.
This changed one afternoon while waiting to board a Delta flight to Salt Lake City. We were checking our (gym) bag at the gate, and we watched as one of the Delta employees kicked our gym bag, the way he might a soccer ball, or a puppy — down a long chute, where it landed on the tarmac. “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” we said. “Was that yours?” the young man replied.
We vowed, that day, to never surrender our H&M tank tops and Philosophy facial wash — and even our Nike gym bag — to such treatment ever again.
Now the sorrow of this posting is that between the time BS actually bought her own Roxy luggage and she wrote this up, she saw the new Roxy luggage — which is somehow even cuter, though more mod and less retro, than what we have here and aggravatingly not available for purchase online yet. But we love this all the same. Very similar to the luggage in the new Anthropologie catalogue, which apparently is vintage and isn’t for sale in any case. Adorable, reasonably priced matching luggage — around $140 but we found it for $80 at a Quiksilver outlet. Leaving $$ for candy + magazines.
- From the British tabloids, Sarah Jessica is pissed. They also call her a “Yummy Mummy.” We find this annoying. Better than a MILF, however. Yummy Mummy > MILF. Feminism = totally not dead!
- In the new British Vogue, Joss lists Tom Cruise among her idols? That short, plastic, church-shill? Rock it, Joss!
We don’t know what we were thinking yesterday, with all the Burberry. We make fun of people who wear Burberry. Even people who wear that beautiful plastic laminate red-print raincoat….
Anyway: These are our favorite spring accessories — generally within the economic reach of even the most student loan-cripped taxpayer.
La Voleuse makes the most clever things. They were making these handbags out of vintage books and ribbons, and they’ve stopped, though we wish they hadn’t. We like these bags, too, though, with little jumping-rope girls in the plastic of the handle. $325, and in a not-pictured delectable yellow as well.
These shoes are hand-painted and have lyrics from Smiths songs on them. How fucking cool is that? $88.
We like words. Jewelry with words, t-shirts with words, furniture with words. We’ll always be dorks. At this point, there’s no struggling against it. $70.
Buy all three of the above at Virgin Threads, since the maker’s websites don’t have any shopping privileges.
Charms: We’re pro-charms. We’re anti-giving your jewelry company a name like “In God We Trust,” because when your would-be fans try to find you online, they’ll instead be redirected to like 3,000 Christian sites. Argh. This link takes you to TG-170′s site, where you can order for $132.
This is the only place in all of Internet-dom that appears to have it: eLuxury, for $1448. Er, fair enough. Did we mention we are only like three crochet lessons from being multi-millionaire crochet dress designer?
This is the conundrum: Now that everyone’s biting her style, what’s Sienna Miller going to do next? Is she going to start wearing hyper-sleek Dior Homme suits? Or is she the ’00s Diane Keaton, who’s been mining that same sloppy-menswear vibe for thirty years?
While this dilemma plays itself out, let us present our favorite rich-boho, Talitha Getty-esque looks (that’s Talitha above), at prices only trust-fund bohos could possibly afford. “Trust-fund bohos” sounds aggravating enough, and yet it doesn’t even begin to encompass the Amex-black-card-ness of the Olsens twins. It’s another conundrum: We’re grossed out by billionaires slumming around the streets in rags and Balenciaga. We’re bothered by the idea of a fashion-savvy blonde who landed Jude Law (even if he seems to have the sparkling personality of a muddy pond.). As much as we would like to resist this trend, we cannot avoid the inevitable: We like beaded tunics.
Moving on:
1. This is our favorite of nine billion embellished tunics currently flooding the market. The
2. Miu Miu’s
3. That’s a Cynthia Steffe crocheted skirt with beading embellishment. Ever say a word so many times that it stops making sense? That’s how we’re feeling about “embellishment.” $285
4. Ethnic Jimmy Choo’s — just right for when all we want to put on is a basic top and Levi’s. Is it us, or does the Scoop model have monstrously long toes? $695
5. Could this Isabella Fiore bag be the bag of the summer? And are we any more than five crochet lessons away from being billionaire fashion designers? $425
France bans Girbaud’s spring 2005 Last Supper-inspired billboard. “Tomorrow, Christ on the cross will be selling socks,” says lawyer Thierry Massis, as reported by the BBC. Cashmere, we pray.
